‘You Never Know, Something Might Come Up'

November, two-thousand-and-ten, anno Domini…
Or ‘twenty-ten'…?
The tastemakers are preoccupied with their watch pens again…

I accuse the government of cynicism…
I accuse the government of cynicism!
…Con-Dem Nation…lies…
So the left fucked up again?
What a co-incidence
That it was when the fascists were on a mission!
…Cue Germany , 1936 reminiscence
As backdrop to retro ploy to get rid of ‘socialism' in Britain
Presided over by an ailing, impotent bull who irritatingly insisted on
Simulating being throttled no less than six times every minute!
…Perhaps it was the voodoo curse
Of a vengeful, shafted system…
But what really stings about it isn't
The rising of the unemployed unskilled…
After all, they're only there to be hard-bitten!
…Cue gritty, working class screenplay for television…
…It's scenes of dejected bankers and emasculated private business men and women…

Surely, it must be the hardest thing to accept
That all that golden opportunity is already spent
Well, it's back to cava, gin
And dubious amphetamines
When you're young and in property development!

It's nice to know you were blessed with such amazing luck
That now you see yourself as being on the dump
But you never know, something might come up!
But you never know, something might come up!
Oh, you never know…

Well, if you will insist on preaching about
Such sensitive issues, in a voice so loud…

Private security consultant! Private security consultant!
Your clients are too busy offloading detritus
To feel remotely paranoid about keeping hold of expensive junk!
But keep calm and carry on – there are still
Plenty more pointless appointments
In your netherworld of problem children
In power suits…new to middle management…
Brats in shoulder pads, who can't help but gush
About themselves, in terms of hushed
Semi-papal reverence
Coupled with claims of bullshit strangely odourless!
Well, there's always a hallowed and much-loved
Institution somewhere, in dire need
Of a pretentious new name in return for an astronomical fee
…Plastic, elastic controversy…
Or the British Broadcasting Corporation, who are undoubtedly
Sniffing around for over-priced new blood
To advise on the latest achingly funky
And self-consciously multicultural variation
On its ‘One' indent theme
Of snowboarding Franciscan monks
And Chinese financial advisors bungee jumping
Off the Tower of London…
“But!” I hear you squeal…

…“Leave us alone! We're only in it for the money! We're only in it for the money!”
…While I'm more concerned that you're shrivelled with worry, shrivelled with worry…
Look - amazing offers in your inbox -
You can ‘BE AS HARD AS A ROCK IN A SOCK!'
Or even ‘ VISIT VIAGRA FALLS !'
Well, I'm not being funny!
I'm not being funny…

It's nice to know you were blessed with such a golden touch
That now you feel you're comparatively in a slump
But you never know, something might come up!
Take the pills and…
But you never know, something might come up!
Oh, you never know…

“Osama Bin Laden? ‘Obama' Bin Laden!”
…Dude, that's like, so insightful and hilarious…

…And don't all of us so realize
That all of you Silicon Valley nerds haven't worked so hard
Just so the poor can survive
Illness and disease, free of charge?!

Ah…the soft and serene
Flow of disability
And how we all, down deep,
Pine for daytime TV
With righteous Enemy Pile
Holding a welcome mirror to our frailties…
“Lose the stick my girl – get thee to Woolworth's!”
…To plug the gaping chasms between
‘Friends' on an infinite loop
And interminable repeats
Of pensionable typewriter sleuths
And Dick's cockduster, circa 1993
And the licence fee-shirking urge
Of the unemployable scourge…
“Sonny Jim, lose the will – get thee to landfill!”

So, if Jesus were to apply for Incapacity Benefit
Would he stand a chance of getting it?
I guess the stigmata might limit
His words-per-minute
And post-traumatic stress qualify him as ‘not mentally fit'…

Well, it's nice to know you were blessed with such utopian existence
That you've come to believe that you're eternally fucked!
But you never know, something might come up!
But you never know, something might come up!

But you never know, something might come up!

Oh, you never know…